Core Principles For Achieving Better Relationships
There are relationships that are unhealthy and not meant to be, often due to the indifference of or intransient nature of one of the participants. When engaged in such a situation where the other person has no interest in committing to make a relationship work or worse makes it clear that in all things it is their way or the highway, then unfortunately the highway may be the only rational option. The alternative might be the possibility of being a willing subjugate in potentially a controlling, manipulative or even an abusive relationship. However, where it is clear that all are committed to wanting a good relationship, there is much that is actionable to make it a success. Specifically, there are key people skills / behavioral competencies available for leadership to improve relationships at work and at home that I’ve found to be very effective. The basic premise as I’ve defined it – Rational Decency – is at the top of the list of core principles for achieving better relationships.
Rational Decency
It is encouraging to know that one can achieve personal insight and understanding of the drivers that instill gut reactions to situations. It is also encouraging to know that once becoming aware of one’s drivers that trigger gut reactions, one can override these reactions that tend to be harmful and allow what I call ‘Rational Decency’ to prevail as an effective behavioral alternative.
You Find What You Look For
You find what you look for – it is a choice. This concept is high on the list of core principles for achieving better relationships. How you see things is a choice. Learn to see that most people are well intentioned and refrain from attribution of ill intent when issues arise. If you chose to look for their inherent decency you will find it. Of course we are also all fallible and if you chose to look for failings you will find them as well. Consider your purpose and intent and the traits of others that will enable you to be effective. What you look for is a choice. Understand that we all have our own set of values, attitudes, beliefs and experiences that can drive our actions. Although we may have values that align with each other they rarely are identical and the ability to relate to the other’s drivers is key to understanding what their reaction will be to a style and content of communication. Choose to be stronger in adversity as well as empathetic when relating to others.
Your Life is What You Make of It
Your life is what you make of it – use your brain and heart to override your gut. Challenging yourself to become aware of your life, of your values, attitudes, beliefs and the experiences that forged them gives you the power to own the insight that they are the drivers of your gut reactions to inputs you receive from others. By using your intellect and compassion to override your gut, you stop attributing ill intent to others to affect you poorly, which is another of the key core principals for achieving better relationships. With understanding comes accountability and responsibility and there is no need for excuses, no blaming of others for poor behavior and failing to display inherent decency toward others, particularly under duress.
Be An Ally When Interacting to Influence Others
When interacting to influence others it is not about whose facts and data and reasons are right and whose are wrong. Facts and data and reasons are always in dispute. A person’s ‘drivers’ can be so strong that they will never be convinced by any method of exhorting them to change or act as you wish. It is about being their ally and aligning yourself with their objectives so they can feel comfortable to respond in kind. Displaying some humility, doubt and equivocation when communicating helps build bridges of common ground rather than arguing differences.
Treat Others As They Would Have You Treat Them
Avoiding any attribution of ill intent or any negative attribution of qualities is key to being effective when attempting to influence change or actions that you wish to take hold. The Golden Rule ‘Treat others as you would have them treat you’ is as a minimum a good test of one’s reaction. Better still is the Platinum Rule: ‘Treat others as they would have you treat them!’ – an excellent example of the core principles for achieving better relationships.
The past cannot be undone and a dumping session usually falls on deaf ears or instigates fruitless confrontation. The goal of a complaint should be to influence future behavior – avoidance of actions or acting differently. Remember that there are always two sides to differences so create a solution to your complaint in a win-win environment.
Confidence in you is often just a measure of how you conduct yourself in the midst of turmoil.
Commit to Win-Win Solutions
Commit to ‘Rational Decency’ by assuring outcomes are not at the others expense. Commit to find win-win solutions – a truly important paradigm of the core principles for achieving better relationships – and there will never be a reason to ever ‘fight’. Assure outcomes are not at the others expense as you assure they are not at yours. Work as hard as need be to make this a truism. Being rational and being decent when attempting to resolve potentially contentious issues should be key behavioral competencies that everyone should embrace. Bullying or being controlling or manipulative by anyone to get one’s way is anathema. Even compromise implies that both parties lose something in the exchange. Whereas, if both parties work hard, both can be ‘influenced’ to a new definition of an agreement where both feel it’s a win.
Avoid Attribution of Ill Intent
Express only what you feel and not attribution of the other’s intent. This is an insightful key to the core principles for achieving better relationships. Using the phrase ‘I feel’ or ‘It feels’ when expressing yourself about an issue avoids attribution of ill intent on the part of the recipient: ‘I know you do not realize that it feels like you are not concerned when you do that’ as opposed to ‘You are not concerned.’ Statements that presuppose the other’s position are not fair. Let them express themselves as to their intent. All you can do that is legitimate is say what they are doing or saying feels like to you. The phrase ‘I feel’ or ‘it feels like’ diminishes the attribution of deliberate intent on the part of the other and enables the person to receive your issue as a request for help so you can ‘feel’ better. It helps the person being complained to say ‘If I came across that way, that was not my intent’ which is an easier response than feeling pressure to admit any wrongdoing. It reaches out to the best in the other and aids your goal, which is to be effective and not to just have a dumping session.
I’ve developed a list of 20 key behavioral competencies / people skills for better and more effective relationships for leadership at home and at work. I encourage you to get the full list available from the main page on managementkeyskills.com